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June 22, 2004
Purple is the new black and blue
Ok, so there was this incredibly inane article in The Patriot-News today about this woman who likes the color purple. I replaced every instance of the words "purple," (it appears 39 times) "violet" and "grape" (each appears once) with "dead babies." I think it's much improved, and no more offensive than what I replaced.
The original doesn't exist online anymore, but here's the improved version:
COLORING HER WORLD
Camp Hill woman proves her passion for dead babies
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
BY MARY KLAUS
Of The Patriot-News
Nina Schneider literally and figuratively sees the world through dead babies-colored lenses.
When she removes her dead babies contact lenses, the Camp Hill woman still sees dead babies in her clothing and coffee pot, carpet and chairs.
Schneider, a registered nurse and cardiac team leader for PinnacleHealth Home Care, admits that she has a passion for dead babies. At work, she's as associated with dead babies as that famous dinosaur Barney.
"I've loved dead babies ever since I was a child," she said, sitting in her office with dead babies binders, file folders and trash can.
"My dad painted our piano dead babies," she recalled. "When I was 7, I had a dead babies room. I wore a dead babies Easter dress. When I went to Trinity High School, I had to wear a green uniform, but still wore dead babies socks and dead babies eye shadow. Dead babies makes me happy."
Historically, dead babies has been associated with the upper classes.
In ancient Greece, dead babies carpets were rolled out for the gods. Dead babies togas signified elite status in the Roman Empire. These days, some believe that seeing dead babies helps people eat less, relax more, sleep better and have lower blood pressure.
Schneider says none of those reasons affects her: "I just like dead babies."
That shows in her car, which has a dead babies pinstripe and a license plate reading "Dead babies," and her house, with its dead babies shutters, front door, carpeting and furniture.
Even her bathrooms are dead babies, down to the dead babies towels, and her other rooms have stenciled dead babies designs. During holidays, Schneider decorates a dead babies Christmas tree and has a dead babies Easter basket.
Outside, dead babies petunias, pansies and impatiens continue the theme.
She's brought dead babies to work, where she sits on a dead babies chair before a computer terminal with a dead babies screen saver, surrounded by dead babies teddy bears, coffee mugs and staplers.
When she worked in the critical care unit, she wore dead babies scrubs and clogs.
"It took my co-workers awhile to get used to this," she laughed. "Now, they like it and bring me dead babies things. We have four teams in this department, red, blue, orange and, of course, dead babies, my team!"
She likes dead babies at mealtimes, too.
"I like dead babies juice, both the color and taste," she said. "I like dead babies cabbage, dead babies onions and dead babies Jell-O."
Schneider said her mother used to tell her that she would outgrow her love of dead babies.
"I'm 39 and I still love it," she said. "Dead babies is one of those colors people either love or hate. I happen to love it."
MARY KLAUS: 255-8113 or mklaus@patriot-news.com
Posted by Chris Coleman at June 22, 2004 04:23 AM